Personal Tumblr

Yeah, I made one I actually go on :)

http://lovelywaywardgirl.tumblr.com/

Follow me.

Yet another six word memoir…

When will it all make sense?

Secrets

I can’t live with this guilt anymore. No matter how hard I try forget, I just keep getting reminded of it. It haunts me in my dreams. Every night I wake with cold sweats. I don’t even sleep anymore. My husband is starting to notice the change in my behavior and I’m running out of excuses for him. I could never tell him, he wouldn’t understand. I did this because of him! I wish I didn’t. There were so many different ways that I could have handled the situation. But I was just so scared. I didn’t have time to think it through…

It all started last year. My husband Sam and I had been married for two years. Everything was going great. It had been two months since I got my new job as a Government teacher at Hillcrest High School. I taught Forensics there too. With my extra income we were finally able to put down on a new house. Things were going so well and I was so happy. Usually after work, my husband and I would take turns making dinner. It was fair and it made cooking less of a chore. One day, I came home late because I had a meeting to go to. When I arrived it was about 7:30 pm. I was unhappy to see that dinner wasn’t already made. My husband was in the living room watching TV. That was unlike him because when he knew that I was coming home late from work he would make dinner and wait for me to come home so we could eat dinner together. I walked into the living room gave him a kiss and asked him he had already eaten because if he hadn’t we could order take out. His face had no emotion. He just harshly said that he had already gone out to eat with his buddies from work. I figured he had a bad day so I didn’t pursue the conversation. I then walked upstairs to change into more comfy clothes. When I walked into our bedroom. I had saw that Sam’s shirt had fallen out of the laundry basket. I reached to pick it up and I saw there was lipstick on his collar and on different part of the shirt. It was red. I rarely wear red lipstick. Tears immediately started falling from my face. Sam was cheating on me. I knew I had to pull myself together before I went downstairs. I felt such rage. I told myself that I wasn’t going to tell him that I knew. In order for me to do that I had to satisfy the anger inside of me.

A few days later, I was at Hillcrest teaching when one of my students asked if he could stay after school. It was strange to me because he had an A in my class and from his work I could he see was one the excelled students. I said alright because I didn’t deem it necessary to announce his progress in front of the other students and discourage them from staying after. It was 3:00 when he walked into my classroom. He sat down and I asked him what questions he had about Forensics. It turns out he didn’t want to talk about Forensics. He was having problems at home and he felt comfortable talking to me about it. So, for the rest of the week Adam stayed after school with me. We talked about random things to get his mind off his issues. It was weird to see a student sharing so many similar viewpoints as me. 

On Monday of the following week, Adam stayed after school again. That day was different. He spoke to me in a different tone of voice and the topics we discussed seemed a bit more personal. Randomly while I was grading papers, he told me that he thought I was beautiful and that my husband was very lucky to have me. All I said was thank you. But, it brought forth feelings that I didn’t realize were there. I ignored them for a while.Though it felt good being appreciated, because I know that I wasn’t from my husband. Ever since the day I found out he was cheating, we’ve been so distant. Sometimes I can’t even stand looking at him. The thought of my husband cheating on me never left my mind and it made me feel that Adam would be my outlet. I didn’t seem so terrible at the time. Adam was attractive. He had black hair, caramel colored skin, and was about 5’10”. He was muscular and didn’t look his age. He kept coming after school and everyday I felt closer to him. He became the highlight of my day. Then one day it happened. We kissed. We were having a normal conversation but, our faces were closer than it should have been. While I was talking, he just kissed me. I pulled away and looked at him. He started apologizing and I stopped him. I don’t know what came over me but I started kissing him. One thing led to another. Soon it became a regular thing. I was having an affair with one of my students. 

It had been going on for two months. I started feeling really guilty about what I was doing to my husband and I wanted to work things out with him. One afternoon, I started telling Adam that we had to stop what we were doing. I didn’t expect the reaction I got. His eyes started tearing up and he kept saying he couldn’t. When I asked him why he said it was because he loved me. I felt really bad but I told him that it wouldn’t work because he was so young and had a whole future ahead of him. But, no matter what I said he would always say no  and would get really angry. He said that if I left him he would tell his mother that I raped him. He was blackmailing me into staying with him. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I shouldn’t have let it go this far. I wasn’t going to let him ruin my life. I did the only thing I though would keep him quiet forever.  I know I will eventually be punished for everything. But, for right now the only thing that is getting to me in my conscience. The cops aren’t on to me yet. Being a forensics teacher helped me cover it up. I’m so sorry for what I did. I’m so sorry Adam…

I’m Here

I’m Here is a short film about a robot named Sheldon falling in love. In this short film, the main character Sheldon, gives everything to his girlfriend. He gave her his whole body for her happiness. As a result, I believe that I’m Here shows that in relationships people tend to lose themselves. They give everything to the other person expecting little to nothing back, without realizing the damage they’re doing to themselves.

In I’m Here, Sheldon meets his girlfriend while he was waiting for the bus. She stopped and gave him a ride with a bunch of friends in her car. It was from that moment where he realized that she was adventurous and carefree. Especially since it wasn’t legal for Robots to be driving cars. On one of their dates, they went out to a concert. She was being carefree and ended up losing her arm. Sheldon looked for it, but realized it was smashed on the dance floor. He immediately took off his own arm and gave it to his girlfriend. The way he gave it to her made it seem like he was giving her something so simple like a band aid. He performed a selfless act by giving her a part of him even though she didn’t ask for it. He then continued happily with her as if he wasn’t missing an arm.

Sheldon was sitting in his apartment waiting for his girlfriend when he heard a lot of noise in the hallway. When he walked out, he saw her in crutches with her leg broken at the knee. He sat her down and then rushed over to her to give her his leg. She protested the idea and to justify he told her a made up dream about her needing a leg and that everyone in the world was going to give her their leg but he wanted her to have his and she did. He told her that was the best dream he had ever had. He then went on to give her his leg. He was doing this for her because he loved her and he wanted to bring her happiness. He felt like it was his job to do that because of the happiness she brought to him and for him that was enough. That’s why he never asked for anything else in return. Though he was missing an arm and a leg, it didn’t seem to bother him or matter. He was losing himself in the relationship.

After Sheldon gave his arm and leg to his girlfriend, he continued on with life as if he wasn’t handicapped. Everyday his girlfriend picked him up from work. One day, she didn’t show up. He ended up taking the bus home. Once he got through the door the phone rang. The hospital was calling him to tell him that his girlfriend was in an accident and she was split into half. He rushed to the hospital and spoke to the doctor. Without hesitation, he gave the doctors permission to give her his body. There were so many risks involved in doing this. But he didn’t care because to him her happiness was the most valuable thing. Making her happy brought him happiness. The doctors operated on the two of them. She received his body and all he had left was just his head and mind. He literally gave her everything. By giving her his body, he was completely handicapping himself from the world. Sheldon didn’t realize this because to him it didn’t matter because she was all he needed.

 Though his girlfriend never asked for anything. He loved her so much that he gave her everything. He gave her his whole body. He completely lost himself in their relationship. He didn’t see the damage he was doing to himself because he utterly blinded by love. People tend to do this all the time when they’re in love and I think I’m Here is trying to show lengths someone will go to for the happiness of their love.

Would I have a memory erased?

If I had the option to have any memory I wanted erased, I don’t believe I would choose to have anything erased. I have had my share of horrible things that have happened to me in the past that I wish hadn’t. But the fact is they did. Those things helped mold the perspective I have on life now. Everything that happened has taught me some sort of lesson. They made me wiser and more conscious of things I now see as “obvious”. I believe that if I erased a memory, history would repeat itself and it would end up happening anyway. That would happen because I never would have gained the knowledge from that experience. It would be like the saying “some people never learn” where a person can do the same thing over and over again and never get anything from it. I don’t want to be that person.

When my Dad was sick, I remember staying nights with him at the hospital. I hated the nights where he was in pain and there was nothing that anyone could do about it. It wasn’t just an ache here or there. His nerves were over active because they were rebuilding themselves. It was awful watching him scream out in pain even with the morphine the doctors were giving him. I remember sitting there wishing it was me rather than him. Some people would choose that have a memory like that erased. I wouldn’t, because looking back it makes me appreciate my father so much more now. You don’t know realize how important someone is to you until you almost lose them.

That is why if I had the opportunity to have any memory I wanted erased, I wouldn’t take it.

Revel in SHS

Love is the most beautiful form of alchemy, when two souls meet to form one.

We walked through the door to this hallway and opened that door to my heart.

I Believe

 I used to be focused on believing that everything happened for a reason. This made it easier for me to accept the negative things which crossed my path. When my father became ill, almost all of my beliefs changed. Believing that there was a reason for his illness didn’t make sense. But it lead me to the understanding that you don’t need to try to figure out why things happen because that doesn’t change the situation. What’s important is that when bad things happen, you’re surrounded by those who love you so that you can pull though. I believe in family.

When my father became sick it was just sudden devastation to the whole family. In the matter of a day everything just became so much more difficult. It was surprising to see my family come together comforting one another. It was weird for me because before everyone was so distant. We didn’t really get along with one another. Some of us weren’t even on speaking terms. But when everything happened, none of that seemed to matter. Even though I disliked my most of my siblings, I still loved them and I knew that we needed one another. It made the situation easier to handle with everyone there helping each other out. The situation was pulling everyone closer together. It meant so much to me that I was surrounded by all of these people that loved me in such a time of need. My father was the one watching all of this. We did this for him and it greatly impacted his progress. It gave him motivation to get better. This is what helped him pull through the most.

I’m very grateful for the family and friends that I have. Also, I’m grateful to know that every dark tunnel has its light. An important thing to remember is that the tunnel doesn’t seem so dark and long when you have people walking through it with you. This is what I believe in.